PepperSprayed On Aisle 5...

Cash. People are kinda of low on it, these days. And that means taking any necessary measures in order to make it go the distance - and by that we mean any necessary measures!

As recently reported in the Vancouver Sun (and other news sources - for more details, go here but be warned: then, you simply will have to go elsewhere! It will be mandatory! You will have to read more - because they want you to! Who are "they"? What is there to it? It is actually both aspects of this thing that are quite ludicrous indeed - but we shall focus only on the latter one, here, today... Onwards!)

This needs to be blogged about indeed: because if we don't, who will?

Okay, several others will and have done so already - but none quite the same way as luminous here... I mean, ludicrous here, yeah!

Imagine the scene: Black Friday begins...

Some stores even opened their doors at midnight -MIDNIGHT- right after Thanksgiving Day, just so to gain a competitive edge over their rival chains, even as their very own employees grumbled in discontent over the decision...

So imagine any one of those stores now, opening their doors...

A horde of crazed customers enter any given discount store outlet that you can think of - they know what they want and go for it immediately. Not only do they know what they want, not only did they come with a battle plan therefore - but they also came prepared! Armed, that is! Armed with a variety of weapons...

There were shootings in the malls, in the parking lots. Muggings in every corner! Tug of war for that particular piece of clothing here; spontaneous wrestling contest for that piece of sports equipment there...!

And one particular category of customers, the fiercest type there is, came with pepper spray!

They were actually macing each other (because, I am sure, great minds think alike) over second-rate merchandise on this Black Friday "event", this year - because the prices demanded such actions! You gotta get the goods when they're at such prices, man - and shoplifting is beneath such classy people, so bringing a can of pepper spray and assaulting other shoppers for the privilege of lining up at cash one (the fast checkout route - you need to attempt to make a clean get away at this point) is the only sensible thing to do here, indeed!

"Assault" is a big word, a harsh word, though: all that was attempted here was pure shopping strategy, nothing more than that. No need to press charges now - perish that thought already!

For all that these bright lights were thinking of doing was momentarily incapacitate the competition, just to gain enough time for them to grab the merchandise, scan it all on the self-serve cash (preferably) and make their clean getaway with the goods safely tucked away in their reusable shopping bag, which also contained the pepper spray can, in case it was needed again...!

The perfect plan, really!
And it worked for a whole lot of them shoppers - oh yes it did!


But wait - Black Friday was only the beginning!

That new competitive spirit showing through on all fronts, even at the damn mall - it can spread to every day, every saving opportunity!

For there was "Black Friday After Black Friday" - on Saturday! And Sunday! And, as if that wasn't enough of a black eye on consumerism, as if those three days of wincing pain (especially if you fail to get the goods - of course) weren't enough, look at this now:



Now the strategy is even clearer - and safer than the use of pepper spray implies!

No need to aim the can, get close enough to do some damage, endanger yourself as you expose yourself to retaliation...! With Cyber Monday, all you need to do is strike safely, from a distance! Incapacitate the competition's computers and you're home free on all of those great savings deals and purchases of a lifetime!

And don't forget to continue the fun times the rest of the week, all the way to the actual Holidays, which will truly be a time of Peace this year after all the intense, overtly aggressive type of shopping that led to it, this year especially! Warriors of the mall will NEED a rest, methinks...

Man - it's not shopping anymore - it is warfare!

So carry on with it, shoppers: have a Black Week, for all I care!
A Black Month! (Not the February kind) Heck, a Black Year and Life!
You'll be black and blue by the end of it, but at least you'll have all the toys that you wanted so bad - or most of them, if you're any good at this whatsoever!
It can be your epitaph or something, eventually...